Don't Try This At Home

4 People You'll See Exercising in Colleywood

By Bob on October 5, 2015 4:09 AM

History will record that I'm not the MOST fit person in Colleywood. A bum foot with more titanium than a new set of Callaway golf clubs will do that to a person.

The bad news is that there's a LOT of metal in here. The GOOD news is that I get EXCELLENT AM radio reception 

I do try and live a reasonably healthy lifestyle. And after extensive research I've learned that moderate exercise may not help me live longer, but it will help me die slower. So I've got that going for me. 

My day typically begins with a four-mile walk inside the bubble that houses Colleywood and Baja Colleywood (known by some as Euless). It's an urban/residential mix and my only wildlife sightings are what I see on the sidewalks, streets and parking lots.

Meth...not even once 

There's a pattern here. I see the same "types" of people every day. The seasons change...the outfits are constantly changing, but the people...well, I've identified 4 distinct groups.     

 This guy is my SPIRIT ANIMAL. 

4 People You'll See Exercising in Colleywood, TX

You should see my medal for running in the Heartbreak of Psoriasis 5K 

1. Can't You See I'm Training for (insert charity benefit here) 5K
This woman will run over you because her cause is more important than your puny ass body. She has five people pledged to give her charity $1 for every breath she takes as she wheezes toward the finish line at Joe T. Garcia's. Note: She may be wearing a shirt that says something inspirational like, "Second Place is the First Loser," or "My Feet Hurt from Kicking so much Ass." Get off the sidewalk and hide in the nearest bush until she passes.

Get outta my way...there's a sale at Nordstrom

2. How Do You Like my Outfit
It's hard to miss this person, because, well...she WANTS to be noticed. This one spends a lot of time shopping for the right outfit, running/walking/cross fit/ shoes and cellphone case. She's easy to spot, because she's talking on the latest iPhone at a decibel level best suited for courtside seats at the next Dallas Maverick's game. Best advice is to duck into the nearest Starbucks (they're ALL within walking distance) and sit it out until she passes.

I'm just one heart attack away from another heart attack

3. Just Leave Me Here to Die
This guy is my SPIRIT ANIMAL. I like him, because he has a body that screams, "Gimme a Whataburger Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit and nobody gets hurt." He'll wobble past you on two blown-out knees and thank you for helping him across the street. He's not a threat unless you FEED HIM. Do NOT feed him. Because if you do, he'll be waiting for you every morning on the same corner asking for another Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit.

Hey Hon, let's race to Whole Foods in Austin and pick up some Grey Poupon

4. We've Been Running 20 Miles & Haven't Broken a Sweat
I effing hate this couple. They've been running for the past two hours while engaged in a lively discussion about the latest Ken Burns documentary. They're easy to spot because they're the only ones out there NOT breathing hard. They smile. They laugh. They probably have their home-schooled children locked in a closet watching a bootleg VHS of an old Barney episode. Do not engage. 

If you'd like to see this passing parade of human misery some morning, come on out to Colleywood and look me up. I'm the guy at the corner table in Whataburger with a honey butter chicken biscuit and side of chili cheese fries. Just walking down here made me hungry.

Note: This post was approved by the ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Colleywood Atrocities)

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