I don't know grandma's full story, but I can sympathize with her. I've had my run-ins with ducks, rabbits, snakes, skunks, deer and of course, Chuck our neighborhood chupacabra. And since I'm not Marlon friggin Perkins, my wild animal stories don't usually turn out very well either.  

I couldn't take time off to sit on my front porch all day wearing a wife-beater

T shirt holding a BB gun, so I did the next best thing. 

Take my recent experience with coyote pee. 

Charlotte planted some flowers and they did really well for a short time. Then, without warning, the leaves and blooms started disappearing. Before we could do something the pretty plants were reduced to sickly green sticks. After a little botanical CSI, we discovered that it wasn't a plant disease. Ducks and rabbits were doing the dirty work.

Now, I'm looking forward to someday becoming the crazy-old-guy in the neighborhood who yells, Get Off My Lawn!  But, I couldn't take time off to sit on my front porch all day wearing a wife-beater T shirt holding a BB gun, so I did the next best thing. I fired up the SUV and headed to our local farm & ranch store where I bought what was recommended by the Ace Reid looking character in the beat up Stetson cowboy hat. Coyote pee.

They really make (no, that's not right) they collect this stuff. Yes, there is actually a company out there that collects coyote urine - dries it - turns it into crystals - and packages it for sale to suburban idiots like me. Set me back $20.

I halfway expected to find a rabbit standing on my front porch telling me to put coyote pee on the grocery list.

The label clearly promised that if I'd sprinkle this stuff on Charlotte's flowers all the critters would leave them alone. I took them at their label directions and sprinkled it all over the flowers. In no time at all, our yard smelled like the biggest coyote litter box in Texas.

One wiff and no self-respecting duck or rabbit would even think about entering my yard. I envisioned them saying in animal language, WTF! There are coyotes in Bob's yard. Get ouf of here before we're all eaten! 

You think that's what happened? Boomer's, have we met? They LOVED the stuff. It was almost like I set out dishes of salsa and Charlotte's flowers were the chips. They ate it up. I halfway expected the doorbell to ring late one night and find a rabbit standing on my front porch telling me to put coyote pee on the grocery list. It was useless.

That's when I did what every self-respecting suburbanite would do: I gave up. I reasoned at $20 a package for coyote pee, I was pissing my money away.

Charlotte agreed to plant only things that don't encourage nibbling by ducks and rabbits.  They seem to avoid Knockout Roses, so we'll be planting more of them. There's nothing wrong with a yard full of roses and they smell a whole lot better than coyote pee.   

Now, I'm going to save my strength for a battle I may actually win. If you're a zombie, you'd better keep the hell off my lawn. 

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